A few nights ago my husband worked late, I put my son to bed as usual. He wanted me to lay down with him, and I was feeling quite lonely and depressed, so I agreed to do so. Usually, I don't lay down with him because I know that it can quickly become a habit. But I guess on that night we needed each other equally as much. As I lay down with him in his little toddler bed, all I could see was the pure true love in his eyes for me. It was so beautiful, and it really helped me, because sometimes us mommies, especially us mommies that are have husbands that work 55- 60+ hours a week feel us tired after running around all week. But he looked at me with the pure love in his eyes. It made me feel so good. After all the fights that my husband and I have had, fights were out of anger he called me a bad mother, I still always feel like I'm being a bad mother. No matter what I do for my son. I hate it. But that night really made up for it. And when i left a few minutes later, he went right to sleep.
Yesterday, I went to visit my mother. My father is on a trip to Mexico with his man friends. I was just feeling so depressed, that I knew I was not going to be able to make it through a whole day by myself. I left early in the morning and went to her house. We went to see Rango, and had lunch. I then went to one of my friend's houses that I had been friends with since kindergarten. I didn't feel depressed all day. I came home later at night probably around 9 pm, which is late for me. My husband still was not home yet. I feed my little boy a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some milk just in case he was hungry from being up so late, and expelling so much energy throughout the day. I let him stay up and watch Nemo, while I cleaned up our apartment. When my husband came home, I put our son to bed and sat down next to him on the couch. I feel asleep right away.
Today, I woke up in worse shape that I can remember being in a while. I am so depressed. I hate this. I don't want to be alone today either. I need to figure out what I can do to make this go away. My little boy is tired after staying up late yesterday, which is making him a little bit testy. When I put him down for a nap I knew that I just needed to sit down and relax to see if I could make some of this sadness disappear. After reading through an issue of Glamour, it had not subsided, and I was actually in a worse state. So, I decided to take a shower.
All I could think about is how last week after being happily married for 6 months, that my husband tried to pick three serious fights with me. I kicked him out the second time. The first time, I just let him vent because he had not fought with me in a while. But that first time he was so mean to me. He was telling me how I was just a waste of life. How much he hated me. How much that I am just going to fuck up everyone's life. He has been under a lot of stress because he isn't making a lot of money, so I just forgave him. The second time, two nights later, I kicked him out. I told him to leave. The third time which was a maybe two nights ago, he woke me up after midnight. He had been searching through my phone and looking at my emails. I had changed my security settings on my facebook because they had recently in the past month or so done a setting change for everyone. So, when I was going through and changing everything I had clicked on a setting where you have to name your computer that you are logging on to every time. It also provides you with where your IP address is from. Our IP address originates somewhere that isn't even close to here. Everytime I log in, it sends me an email with the login name I used and the location of the IP address that I used to log-in with. So, it's after midnight, my husband wakes me up." What is this shit? What is going on here?" I explain it to him, but he doesn't believe me. Then I show him by logging on to facebook. Then he believes me. I can't live with this. What is this crap? Three times in one week? I am really letting all of this get to me. I hate it. I need to sit down and talk to him about it. I need him to stop this right now. There is no way that I am going to allow this behavior to happen in my marriage. I can not handle this. I do predict that when I talk to him, that he will just fly off the handle about some shit, and go off on me again. I don't know why, but I feel like he is going to. I hate this. This is not worth it.
Talking to my mother, I wonder how much of my upbringing has caused problems in my marriage. My mother and father always treated each other like shit, especially my father treating my mother like shit. I think that I have grown up with an impression that men are inherently bad. I know this is wrong, and I know there are wonderful men out there, but I still have a hard time believing it, especially when have gem of arguments like I am having.
So, bottom line, I am going to have to talk to my husband tonight. I am going to have to tell him how sad I am about everything. I am going to have to tell him my concerns about our relationship. If he doesn't listen and acts like an ass hole, I don't know what's going to happen. Mostly likely, I am going to kick his stuff out on the curb. I have no reserves left right now for him. I just pray to God that he is receptive.
I think that I need to work out a 5 year plan. I need to make some kind of plan that I can work on, so that I have a goal in mind and attain that goal. I think that if I can have that, then I can be a little bit happier. I just need to set down some ground work. But man, I'm soo sad that it hurts. My whole body feels like i has the flu, but I know that I don't. It's just the depression shutting down my body again.
I really loved talking to my friend yesterday. She lives about an hour away, so it makes seeing her a lot difficult. She is so simply smart. As I believe Confucius says, " A blockhead". She really enlightens me every time I see her. I hope that I can build my friendship with her more. I need something. Oh God, I need something.
I used to know where my life was going. I used to have everything planned out. Then what happened? I made poor decisions. I should have stayed at the University and gone on to graduate school. I should have dated my husband and gotten to know him a little better before our two month getting to know each other prior to our Las Vegas nuptials. Now, I have no credit. I have no money. I have no job. I have no career. I have a husband that is going through 'something' and is being a dick. I have a wonderful two year old and despite everything, raising a two year will always be difficult. I am in a town at least an hour away from all of my friends. I have been drained out of every kindness I once had, and now I am like this empty soda bottle that has been discarded after an event. I am the empty can.
No comments:
Post a Comment