Something miraculous is continuing to happen here in the great white north. The sun is getting warmer! The real yellow ball in the sky! It returns. If I were a native American dancer, I would for sure be doing the returning of the sun dance. LOL. The snow is still outside in patches right now, but it will go very soon. Checking the weather, there aren't any snow storms, or flurries coming our way for a while! Hoorah!!! I am so happy. This make so much difference! :)
My husband came home yesterday about as depressed as can be. He is being beat down by the man right now. He can't seem to get ahead at work, and he can't seem to get any help. He needs to sell a certain amount of units to make enough money, and right now he is really stressing out. I might have to hang out with one of the car widow wives and see if I can see what I can do for my husband within the wives club. lol. I feel so bad for him. He never went to college, and really has only done sales his entire life, so that really leaves not a lot of choice for him in his mid 30's. Going back to school maybe? But I would imagine that would be quite intimidating for him at his age, if it is intimidating at my age. Thankfully, I was feeling a little less depressed yesterday to help him feel better, I guess.
Today my little man woke up later because of the day light savings time. It was nice to sleep in for a little while and relax before the chaos started to happen. I woke up early to see if I could find any jobs, but alas, none. The market here where I live is the worst in the country. That means that there really isn't much out there for me. I researched traditional midwifery schools again today, but the $3,200 is a little (or a lot) out of my reach right now, and scholarships aren't available for this program.
My class for this weekend was pushed back until next weekend. The coordinator told me that he would have a full class ready for me. That would be nice. That would be a cool $500. That would be nice to have! I was ready this weekend, but I am willing to wait for a full class to do my thing. There are a lot of people out there that want a indoor gardening certification, especially since medical marijuana is legal here. I don't go into growing marijuana at all. I just cover the enough basics so that everyone has enough knowledge to just put them above to have enough confidence to know what they are doing. After all most the time all we need is a little confidence, right?
I have been struggling with teaching my little man the ABC's, but this morning he was able to correctly pick out the right letters for the sounds. It is most definitely one of those Aha Oprah Moments. :)
Children really amaze me. I can't believe how they want to learn the ABC and everything else. It is so amazing to me. I can tell that these days will be the best days of m life when I look back later on.
My food blog is starting to have a steady amount of viewers now. Not a lot of viewers, but enough that makes me happy to post to the blog. I just need to keep on adding content. I imagine that once I get to 100 recipes that I will have a more steady viewership. It really surprises me that half of the viewers actually come from outside of here in the states. I get a lot of Asian and European viewers. I am happy for every single one of them that view my blog.
I am being really sensitive right now to notice my depression triggers before I let them get set off. I am going to continue to do this for the end of the week. It's really hard to do, but I guess its really hard to do for people who are addicts as well. Maybe I need to make an inner circle outer circle behavior list of things that trigger my depression. I know that I can manage this disease. Some days its just so hard. I know that this whole job search thing is a huge trigger. I can do it for about 20 minutes and after that I am tore up inside. I think its just thinking about working for another douche bag company that makes me scared. I have to realize that not all companies are like that (this is kind of like a break up, right?). It's still just so hard when I devoted two years of my life to a company to have them do that BS to me, at least do that BS without warning.
Another one of my triggers is being broke as I am. I need to make a list of things that I can do that are inexpensive and slowly go down the list and accomplish these things. The weather is a nice 40 degrees outside, so that makes the activities list grow considerably.
One other trigger of mine is not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I have yet to make a plan. I can't really be hard on myself for not making a plan over night, a real plan needs real conscientious thought. So, I guess while I am making a plan that I need to just be happy and recognize all of the blessings that I have today.
Another trigger is my husband's stress. He has never handled stress well (me neither!). So when I see him stressing and being angry, it really affects my depression. I need to realize here that he is in control of himself and not me. If he chooses to be angry, and resentful about his life and not accept any help, then it is him that needs to fix it. Not me. I can be there for him, and supply all that I can give to him without giving too much, but not I have to meditate on what the line is. I think it is the Gibral Khalil in the "Prophet" that said that love should ebb and flow like the tide. That one should never give too much or take too much. And that each person in a partnership should maintain a separate life, and that in doing so strengthens the partnerships. I love this book. If no one has read it, I highly recommend it.
Today my main concerns are doing things that will educate and help my son in life. I am always afraid that I am not doing the right thing. I read books. I just read the Mr. Rogers book on parenting. He said that play is very important and so is eating at the dinner table and having a conversation. So, I have made a point that my little man always has time for thoughtful play and that we always eat at the table away from the TV. The truth behind it is that my little man is much happier always eating at the table away from the TV. TV is so thoughtless sometimes. I do have a mandate everyday that the TV is off at 10am no matter what. No TV, sir!
Today, I want to take my little man on a walk. Then maybe we make necklaces out of large wooden beads, and maybe play with some play dough. And then, of course time to go over his letters, again. :)
These are the things that I am thankful for today.
Things that I am thankful for:
1. The sunshine
2. The snow is melting
3. My little man is learning his letters!
4. My little man is going potty all by himself!!
5. I have enough food in the kitchen to feed my family for the next few days
6. That I should have a full class to teach next weekend
7. That I will be able to attend my little nieces birthday party instead of teaching a half full class
8. That I everyday that I work hard to get out from under the cloud of depression
9. That I enjoy cooking and am able to do it everyday.
10. That I am able to share my food blog with people around the world
11. That I still get unemployment even though I can't find a good job
12. That I have a roof over my head
13. That all my bills are main bills are paid
14. That there are people out there that would like to hang out with me :)
15. That I have a mother and father who enjoy my company, despite everything
16. That despite my depression, I am in excellent physical shape
17. That I have clothes to wear on my back
18. That I have running water, a clean home, and everything that I need to make me happy
19. That I realize that life is what you make it
20. That the world is so big that it is a forgiving place
21. That just like fall turns into winter into spring and refreshes the earth, that I am also refreshed and renewed.
22. That I have one of the most beautiful gifts in the entire world my son.
Alright, this is what I call progress! Digging myself out, one day at a time. I think that there should be a DAA, like a depression addicts anonymous, and that we should get coins for everyday that we aren't depressed. If there were such a thing, I would get my first 24 hour coin. Hoorah to me! I shall celebrate with a cold glass of water. If you read this, please pray for me and my family.
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